The one liners I come out with seem to have a theme – they are always blurted out when I am in the queue at the Co-op. My latest quip came as I was stood paying for a few bits at the fag, booze and lotto kiosk during a busy time in our local store.

It was about 6 pm and a train had just pulled in at the station around the corner. It had thrown out a lot of hot and bothered commuters, who added to the queue of punters wanting a mid-week lottery ticket, or to buy a packet of fags as well as to pay for a few groceries.

The man on the till serving me is a nice bloke.  He is a bit of a jobs worth, but always outgoing and polite and has been working there for years.  I punched in the PIN number to my bank card on the payment machine and as I did our man made a big announcement for the benefit of the customers queuing behind me.

“Sorry folks” he declared in a loud, confident voice. At this point he stepped back and pointed, so people could see that behind him next to the rows of vodka, gin and whiskies there was a big empty space in a whole section of the shelving,

”If you are here for cigarettes, we have none.”

He had a lot more interest in his announcement now and whist still gesturing he continued. People hushed up for a second or two.

“I am afraid to say there has been a break in last night and we have had all our cigarettes stolen…….”

“…….by a teetotaller”

I finished the sentence for him, loud enough for all to hear.

He did a double take at me as he stood there still pointing at a void next to bottles of booze. His hand dropped as soon as the penny did. I made a sharp exit.